A friend of mine sent me this article a while back and I thought it would be great to share here. It seems that before you have children of your own, you really can not understand the challenges this role presents.
'Why don't friends with kids have time?'
CAROLYN HAX: TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT
WASHINGTON POST
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Dear Carolyn: Best friend has child. Her: exhausted, busy, no time for self, no time for me, etc.
Me (no kids): What'd you do today?
Her: Park, play group ...
OK. I've talked to parents. I don't get it. What do stay-at-home moms do all day? Please no lists of library, grocery store, dry cleaners ... I do all those things, too. I guess what I'm asking is: What is a typical day and why don't moms have time for a call or e-mail? I work and am away from home nine hours a day (plus a few late work events); I manage to get it all done. I'm feeling like the kid is an excuse to relax and enjoy, but if so, why won't my friend tell me the truth? Is this a contest ("my life is so much harder than yours")? What's the deal? I've got friends with and without kids and all us child-free folks have the same questions.
— Tacoma, Wash.
Dear Tacoma: Relax and enjoy. You're funny. Or, you're lying about having friends with kids. Or you're taking them at their word that they actually have kids, because you haven't personally been in the same room with them. I keep wavering between giving you a straight answer and giving my forehead some keyboard. To claim you want to understand, while in the same breath implying that the only logical conclusions are that your mom-friends are either lying or competing with you, is disingenuous indeed. So, because it's validation you seem to want, the real answer is what you get. When you have young kids, your typical day is: constant attention, from getting them out of bed, fed, cleaned, dressed; to keeping them out of harm's way; to answering their coos, cries, questions; to having two arms and carrying one kid, one set of car keys, and supplies for even the quickest trips, including the latest-to-be-declared-essential piece of molded plastic gear; to keeping them from unshelving books at the library; to enforcing rest times; to staying one step ahead of them lest they get too hungry, tired or bored, any one of which produces checkout-line screaming. It's needing 45 minutes to do what takes others 15. It's constant vigilance, constant touch, constant use of your voice, constant relegation of your needs to the second tier. It's constant scrutiny and second-guessing from family and friends. It's resisting constant temptation to seek short-term relief at everyone's long-term expense. It's doing all this while concurrently teaching virtually everything — language, manners, safety, resourcefulness, discipline, curiosity, creativity. Empathy. Everything. It's also a choice, yes. And a joy. But if you spent all day, every day, with this brand of joy, and then, when you got your first 10 minutes to yourself, wanted to be alone with your thoughts instead of calling a good friend, a good friend wouldn't judge you, complain about you or marvel how much more productively she uses her time. Either make a sincere effort to understand, or keep your snit to yourself.
For me, the clincher that Carolyn Hax boils down so concisely is, "It's resisting constant temptation to seek short-term relief at everyone's long-term expense."
5 comments:
My best friend has 2 kids 1 in school one in pre-school 2 days a week. She has no time for me not even to send a text message in reply to the ones Ive sent her but she has time to go to the cofffee shop for 4 hours with her mommy friends and sit around and chat. all day. Then when she does want to hang out with me she expects me to do all the travelling and everything because I don't have kids. not to mention I have to be at her beck and call. I know mums can get busy but you know what so do people with out kids. I work 9 hours not to mention the extra time it takes to travel to and from work, I do volunteer work 2 days a week and yet I can find 2 minutes in the day to send a text to see how she her her kids are. Not only parents are busy and it's selfish of parents o hink that there lives are more important then that of there single friends.
I have, and unfortunately I think we all have, had friends who don't treat us as well as they should. I don't believe that this has so much to do with being a mama as it does with just being a crappy friend;-) Being a parent is a big commitment, of course this is not the only big commitment that one might have.
I actually believed my friend was a fake and flaky by ignoring my calls UNTIL I finally had my own family..now I regret getting mad at her for calling her such a "bad friend"..since she was sooo right..a baby and child takes up SO much time!! Especially husbands..lol..they suddenly want some alone time with you...oddly tho...my having kids and marriage actually brang me and her CLOSER then we were before. :)
It's true...kids take up way more time...sorry if her friend couldn't understand..kids equal more time taken away.
I was a stay at home Mom. Yes, I was very busy...nothing you clean stays clean for very long...every mouth you feed creates another mess to clean up...and then it's time for another meal! It is an exceptionally busy lifestyle! Don't criticize a stay at home Mom for being busy raising her children - just be understanding! It's the best job in the world and all too soon the children are grown and gone. One day, you'll wish that you spent more time with them than you did wishing they would grow up faster.
If your friend is stating that she's too busy to pick up the phone to chat, offer to come & visit. Bring peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to share & offer some adult time with the kids.
You'll get a better understanding if you're walking in your dear friend's shoes!
Post a Comment